Motivated?

I have been battling a lack of motivation this week. It is so hard for me to explain, it isn't just being tired, it is just a feeling of total inability to get anything done. The problem is, the clutter and dishes drive me absolutely bonkers. So I sit here, unable to get up and deal with it, while it drives me to insanity. Makes no sense right? I know. I could get 10hrs of sleep (although I don't) and still would feel so tired and unmotivated. I think partly to blame is the fact that Eric and I have not spent any quality time together all week. I work days, he works nights, and we just never get time to see each other. He is sleeping all morning and is just waking up when I am out the door. It is very frustrating, and I feel alone sometimes. It is hard to be a single mom! Eric is not able to contribute much to caring for the kids now, and although I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be home with them, I still need a break sometimes! I don't know a good solution for it, but I hope one comes soon. Maybe he will start working days, that would be much better. I miss having family time together, and it would be nice to be able to load the dishwasher without a kid hanging on my leg or feeling so tired from the day that I can't keep my eyes open. I have to remind myself, this is just a short season in our lives. I need to appreciate it for all that it is, even if it is hard. God has been so gracious to me, and given me a gift I never expected to receive. Before I know it my babies will be grown and leave me, and I will wish I had a little one hanging on my leg while I load the dishwasher. OK, now I'm crying....time to be done!

Asthma, Work, Exhaustion

Yesterday Autumn had her 9mo well check. She weighs a whopping 21lbs, and is a giant in height (we already knew that). Her pediatritian put her on a preventative asthma medication called Flovent. She has to have it every day twice a day until the end of winter. I am really hoping that she doesnt react to it like she did with the Albuterol, because I won't be able to handle her all wired up all the time!! I need to do some research on the side effects. Right now she is coughing and crying in her crib, and Hannah is yelling "It's ok Autumn, go to sleep!"  she has really stepped up as big sister lately and I am so proud of her. Now she wants to sit next to Autumn at meal times and help feed her, how sweet!

In other news, my job is going well. I am caring for a 8mo old girl named Lauren. She is sweet, mild tempered and mellow overall....nothing like my kids! Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a mellow child, what do their parents do all day? I think Lauren would be content to sit on the floor with a pile of blocks all day, as long as someone fed her every 4hrs. I love it! She and Autumn have fun making faces at each other and holding hands, it's sweet. I am enjoying this opportunity to work while I still can, if we have any more children it would be impossible for me to work outside the home. I'm busy enough as it is! I am still struggling to find balance in all of my responsibilities as mom and wife, it is hard to keep up with all of the cleaning, laundry, dishes, diapers, bottles, meals, potty breaks, oh yeah, and taking care of myself too! So that makes me pretty darn exhausted at the end of the day. It is hard to go non stop all day, then come home and give Eric a kiss as he heads out the door to work. Then I have the whole evening alone too. That part I don't like so much. He had a job interview yesterday with Plum Market, so we are praying that he lands a full time, long term position there. Although, he would much rather stay with Zingermans if at all possible. We will see what the Lord does!

My brain is fried today, I'm pooped, and I still need to tidy up the house, nothing much else is going through my mind, so I will stop typing now.

Bucket List

I've heard several people recently talk about something being on their "Bucket List"- a list of things a person wants to do before they "kick the bucket". I've always had a mental list, but now it is time to write down MY Bucket List. I'm sure it will change, but here's a start. I'm going to try to keep it limited to 30.

1. Visit Yellowstone
2. Visit the UP in the fall
3. Visit the Grand Canyon
4. Visit every state at least once
(lots of traveling stuff going here!)
5. Surprise my family in CA at Christmas time
6. Travel to Ireland and see Blarney Castle (this one is for my Gramps)
7. Go spelunking
8. Go white water rafting
9. Go on a horseback ride
10. Buy a house
11. Be debt free
12. Visit some of the historical sites from Laura Ingalls Wilder's life
13. Sew myself a dress
14. Go on a cruise
15. Visit the Holy Land
16. Ride in a hot air balloon
17. Go backpacking
18. Go Scuba Diving
19. Record a worship CD
20. Renew my wedding vows to Eric
21. Go to Disney World
22. Read the entire bible cover to cover
23. Have a self-sufficient homestead
24. Own my own home childcare
25. Be a foster parent/adopt a child
26. Write a children's book
27. Be a stay at home mom
28. Go on a mission trip to South America
29. Volunteer in an aid project after a disaster
30. Live "off the grid"

That was fun, I'm going to continue to edit this list as my life progresses. I'm sure my priorities will change as I get older. The question now, is how to move forward and actually do some of these great things! Do you choose one and work towards it? Or just wait for the time when God will allow you to live out a dream? I've already been able to cross one thing off my list: being a stay at home mom! I never thought it would happen, and I am so blessed to be living my dream right now. It has come at a great cost, but a cost I am willing to pay. I am so thankful for my husband who is helping me to live my dream, while he lives his too! God is good.

Baptism and Rebirth

Today was our annual church picnic and baptism. Sitting by the water's edge and singing worship songs brought me right back to my own baptism. I love looking back at the day of my baptism, because I had a wonderful experience and it truly did change my life. I was baptized when I was 17 in the Colorado River on a youth group canoe trip. The canoe trip was always a very exciting time and I looked forward to it every year. I love being out in rugged nature, camping under the stars, working hard to get to the destination, and the smell of a campfire and bacon in the morning. But most of all, I love spending time with the Lord in His creation. I felt so close to Him while on that trip, and I knew that He was speaking to me. I didn't know much about baptism, but the pastor talked to me about it, and I was so excited to be able to make a public proclamation of my faith in Christ. The water was icy, but I felt so refreshed after feeling my old life washed away and my new life in Christ beginning. I had some times when I faltered in my faith after that time, but I believe that the Lord protected me from a lot of harm I could have caused myself, by His grace. I now live my life every day as a testament to what He has done in me. I was a wretched person before I knew Christ. I was hateful, selfish, dishonest and wretched. But through His blood shed for me on the cross, I am forgiven and washed white as snow. I am forever grateful for how God plucked me out of the pit and brought me to His side. I will never fully understand it, but I will always be in awe of it.

Taking The Leap

When God speaks to me, it is always very clear. It is usually at night, when I'm laying in bed, and usually after I've been praying for a while. And almost always, if He wants me to change something I'm doing, or do something else, He won't let me stop thinking about it until I make a decision to deal with the issue. Lately, I've had one clear thought that I can't get away from:

I am way too addicted to facebook

I check it at least 3x a day, usually much more. I don't even know what I'm looking for, but usually it is me trying to fill a place of lonliness I feel. Reading someone else's status makes me feel like they are actually speaking to me, but in reality, facebook is just a way to pretend you have friends. Yes, it does help me keep in touch with family and friends that I normally wouldn't know anything about, but it doesn't take the place of a phone call or an email/letter. If I get comments on my status or photos, I feel like people care about me, or they are interested in what I have to say. And if I don't, I reason that no one cares about me, or they think I'm an idiot. It is all very silly.

I've also been feeling that I need a better way to communicate and document my thoughts, family activities, prayers, ideas, etc.

SO, I am considering leaving facebook and solely blogging from now on. I know the people who care about me most will read my blog if they want to keep up with me. I may just use facebook as a means to communicate with others (play dates, events, etc), but not for my own status updates. I place too much concern on "who will comment on my photo" or "what will so and so think about this status" and it is a little ridiculous. I know the blog trap is very similar, but at least I can make full paragraphs and not just 1 sentence blurbs about the weather. My life is much more than that! Plus, I don't really need people to read what I'm writing, it is mostly for me. I want to have a documentation of my life, my prayer requests, answers to prayers and watching my kids grow up. I haven't fully made a decision yet, but I am strongly leaning toward it. I'm sorry to all of the people who enjoy following my weather complaints and "I'm too tired to do housework" complaints on facebook. I'm sure you have some other people on your friend's list who will take my place. If you have any thoughts, feel free to comment...lol, just kidding.